Savaging Solo: A Star Wars Story

Why do I loathe Solo so deeply? It’s not just that it’s a bad movie, though it is.

It’s not just because of the intrusive insertion of <CURRENT THING> politics, though that didn’t help.

It’s not just because of the many trite origin “explainers” the writers put in (The gun! The dice! The name!), those are common to many such movies in the modern day.

They made Lando—LANDO FREAKING CALRISSIAN—into a pervert who has sex with a robot, and not a sexy, organic Number Six Cylon robot, but the metal-and-wires toaster oven L3-37.

(Leet. They called it l337.)

Number 6. Beauty.
L3-37. WHAT THE HELL MOVIE

Look at the pictures. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK. WHERE DOES HE… HOW DOES HE EVEN… no. I’m not burning brain cells thinking about this, because clearly the writers of the movie didn’t.

They turned Lando into a pathetic joke and LAUGHED AT YOU, ME, ALL OF US WHILST DOING SO. It was a character assassination.

I will never forgive the movie for this.

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Joker: Folie à Deux Trailer Coming At You

Well, the sequel to the non-continuity Joker movie from 2019, Joker: Folie à Deux, is coming soon.

Teaser trailer in 3… 2… 1… !

No hint as to what the music will actually be like, so there’s no hint as to whether or not it’ll be any good. It’s a big risk either way, which is rare enough in Hollywood to applaud the director for going there.

See you in October!

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The Fantastic 4: Why Give The Audience What They Want When You Can… Not?

Marvel’s Phase 4 was notoriously a disaster. Ant Man and the Wasp Quantumania, the start of Phase 5, was a massive bomb (part of Disney’s 2023’s $1.5 billion red ink bloodbath). Then Jonathan Majors, the face of the villain for Phase 5 had some… troubles, meaning the whole Kingdom of Kang storyline had to be aborted entire and most recently the actor for Namor got hit with (essentially) the exact same accusations.

Things are not going well.

So, in an effort to get the studio back on track, Marvel is ginning up the hype machine to announce all the actors for the upcoming Fantastic 4 movie!

At least Eddie’s back.

So, according to Marvel the film (set in the 60’s, perhaps in the wake of Deadpool and Wolverine’s teased “reset” of the MCU) will focus on Sue Storm as the main character, with the other members of the team also being there. The villain is Galactus, actor currently unknown, and the Silver Surfer is played by Julia Garner.

Because of course he is.

It is, in this day and age, a bold decision for Marvel to look at the vast wasteland of its once-thriving cinematic output, assess the strategies that brought it to this point, really internalize exactly what destroyed audience interest and decide to keep doing the exact same thing.

I mean, why do what the audience wants you to do, when you could… just not?

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The Depression of the Vanities

Hollywood is in a Depression. 20% of film executives have lost their jobs, shows being produced for streaming services have been cut by 50% IN ONE YEAR, and last year’s box office returns were so bad they had to invent a new term to describe them: the Flopbuster.

And they’re not the only one. Comics is collapsing, the Video Games industry is shrinking fast, and TTRPG publisher Wizards of the Coast just went through another brutal round of layoffs.

In a time of economic downturn, which we are most certainly in, entertainment industries usually thrive. All these industries are shrinking because they have forgotten how to produce stories and games that audiences want.

Instead of entertaining, they are lecturing, and have been for a long time, and it’s finally coming back to bite them in the bum.

Film Threat has some more thoughts:

Making stories that resonate with audiences isn’t hard—all you do is have to know how to live like a human being—but the people ruling these industries just can’t do it. And until new companies spring up to replace these, the companies and industries will continue to suffer.

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Dragons, Devils, Ghosts, and Scares!

This is not the way I saw my evening going, but since I had the poor judgement of checking to see if I missed any recent trailers WHOO BOY WHERE THE HECK HAVE I BEEN.

There’s an upcoming Beetlejuice sequel:

He’s the ghost with the most.

I got no comment, except to say… maybe?

And then there’s an Inside Out sequel.

Which at one time would have had me excited, but then Pixar and Disney have been all about THE MESSAGE and they’ve fired anyone with experience and talent and so…

The notion of new emotions is cool, though.

The Crow is getting remade:

Another case where the budget is way too big for the subject matter. Low budgets give movies a gritty, lived-in feel and too much money makes them too slick, and this movie doesn’t need to be slick. That’s just not The Crow.

And there’s an ORIGINAL MOVIE! Will wonders never cease:

Made by AMC’s streaming Horror service Shudder, it’s getting a theatrical release and I no cap wanna see this one. It looks awesome.

And, of course, there’s two—TWO—trailers for House of Dragons. The Green:

And the Black:

You know if you’re excited for this series or not.

And, last but not least, The Acolyte, Disney’s newest Star Wars streaming series, also released a new trailer:

[This link intentionally left blank.]

What’s that? There’s no link? You damn skippy.

Links are for closers.

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